Leaders Are Listeners

Effective communication is key to success, and when you’re good at it, people notice. Most people think that strengthening communication skills involves developing persuasive speech and conversational skills. I believe the most powerful communication skills are not in your speaking, they’re in your listening!

Communication is a 2-way process. There is a speaker and a listener. Without an effective listener, none of the conversational skills matter. If you want people to listen to you, you must listen to them first. Demonstrate a willingness to listen and understand and the rest of the communication process will flow with ease.

5 techniques for building your listening skills:

1. Fight the urge to speak. When you’re engaged in a conversation it’s natural to start concentrating on what you’re going to say next. You may even be tempted to open your mouth before the other person is finished. Make the extra effort to keep your lips sealed until he’s through talking.  While he’s speaking, don’t worry about what you’re going to say next. Stay present and focus on the words and body language of the other person.

2. Look interested. Your nonverbal communication skills speak volumes! If you’re looking disinterested and uncaring, the person trying to communicate with you will pick up on these subtle hints. She may be flustered or less likely to share her thoughts. Engage with the person talking. Make eye contact and nod your head or smile. Let your conversation partner know that her points are coming across to you.

3. Paraphrase the highlights. Help your conversation partner know she is effectively communicating by restating her points. You can repeat key phrases in an affirming tone. Better yet, give her a quick summary of what she just said in your own words.  Avoid sharing your opinions when paraphrasing concepts or ideas! At this point, you simply want to communicate that you’ve completely understood her meaning.

4. Ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask your conversation partner to elaborate on what he’s saying. If you need further information, ask for it. The important thing is that you understand what he’s trying to get across.

5. Be patient. Effective listening skills take time to learn. I find the biggest hurdle to get over is your own discomfort of trying on this new skill. Trust your ability to take this on! And don’t be afraid to let people know you’re learning a new skill. Others will admire your willingness to learn and you’re openness about it.

BONUS: 5 Door-openers for paraphrasing your conversation partner

“If I’m hearing you accurately, you’re concerned about…..”

“Help me understand if I getting this, you want……”

“So what I’m hearing is…….”

“I want to make sure I’m understanding. What you’re saying is……”

“For clarity, what you’re talking about is……”

These door-openers may feel awkward at first, but give yourself permission to step into the discomfort. As you practice and learn to master effective listening, I guarantee your effectiveness as a leader will improve!

Laura Watson, ACC, MSW is President of Venture Coaching Inc., and was a finalist for the Canadian Coach of the Year Award. Venture Coaching provides Business Coaching, and Life and Leadership coaching to entrepreneurs so they can love their life and business! Venture Coaching provides the tools, process and support to accelerate your personal and business growth.

Give The Gift of Great Feedback

I adopted a great belief from my husband; “feedback is the breakfast of champions”. At first, I didn’t “get it”, but I have learned that receiving feedback is a powerful gift for personal and professional growth. I have also learned that giving feedback effectively is an important leadership skill that leads to powerful working relationships.

I did not always share this perspective. For many years feedback (a.k.a. criticism) was something I dreaded and avoided. I didn’t want to hear it and I definitely didn’t want to give it. However, I am pleased to report that I have moved from being a feedback-avoider to recently being crowned the “Feedback Queen”.

Leaders who give effective feedback experience less stress and conflict, their teams are more productive, their company morale strengthens, and their relationships at home with their spouse and children improve dramatically. Given the huge difference effective feedback can make, it makes sense to share the secrets of effective feedback with you now…

Secret #1: Feedback is about behavior, not your judgment of it

This is the first and most important consideration that makes or breaks effective feedback delivery. Often our decision to give feedback is triggered by feelings of anger, frustration, hurt or annoyance we feel towards another person. These feelings are triggered when someone does something and we judge or interpret the actions negatively. We make up a story about what the other person’s behavior means and we react to it with defensiveness, annoyance, anger or even sarcasm. Giving effective feedback relies on our ability to separate the other person’s actions (facts) from our story (judgment) of the facts. With this clarity, our own heated emotions usually dissipate and we are better prepared to give effective feedback.

Secret #2: Feedback requires timing

Give feedback any time someone says or does something that affects you, positively or negatively. Most of us avoid giving feedback and hate receiving it because it’s only offered when something negative happens. A great way to learn effective feedback delivery is to practice giving it during the good times! When your staff member says or does something that makes a difference in your day (i.e. takes initiative to send out some billings so you don’t have to), give feedback (according the steps listed below). Tell that person what a difference his actions made for you.

Secret #3: Feedback is about creating mutual understanding

Giving effective feedback is not about seeking agreement from another person, it’s about helping someone hear what we have to say without him defending himself, dismissing the information or making a counter-attack. Our emphasis is on understanding each other better. Remember, we all wander around the world, experiencing it from our own perspective. We forget that we all have different and unique ways of experiencing situations and events. Giving feedback helps others see better how their words and actions affect the people around them, which uncovers blind spots and helps them decide whether or not they want to change their behavior.

4 Steps for being a feedback Queen (or King):

Step 1: Ask permission

No matter what your relationship is with the feedback recipient, sincerely ask if you may, “offer and idea”, “thank you for something” or “clear an issue”. Asking permission demonstrates respect for the other person and paves the way for their openness to hearing what you have to say.

Step 2: Share your intention for the feedback

Why are you offering this feedback? Is your intention to strengthen the relationship? Do you need to get an issue off your chest? Do you want to help someone improve his performance? Being clear about our intention, and sharing this, increases our chances for success and continues to keep the recipient open to hearing it.

Step 3: Describe the facts

Facts are words said and/or behaviors demonstrated (not our judgment of them). Spoken and written words that can be quoted are facts (i.e. when you said…..). Actions that could be videotaped are facts (i.e. when you sent the invoicing out without being asked). Facts not our judgements (i.e. when you were rude to me yesterday…). Describing the facts of the situation helps the recipient understand specifically and clearly what the feedback is referring to. By eliminating our judgment of the facts, emotion is removed and we reduce the likelihood of provoking defensiveness.

Step 4: Describe your feelings or story about the facts

Explain how the other person’s words or actions affected you or the story or judgment you made up about their behavior. It’s important to stay accountable, take ownership and use I-language (this will help decrease defensiveness and maintain receptivity in the listener). For example, we might say to a business partner, “when you told me the other day that you made this decision without talking to me, I felt disregarded. Making these kinds of decisions without me feels disrespectful and does not feel collaborative to me”. The recipient of this feedback might not like hearing it, but chances are he will be more open to hearing the message and willing to stay engaged to solve the problem.

Are you ready to step up your leadership?

Feedback is a tremendous gift we can learn to give others. Creativity, connection, collaboration, productivity, innovation, and problem solving all improve when companies give and seek out meaningful feedback. And these improvements foster accelerated progress in business and in life. I challenge you to become the Feedback Queen or King in your business!

To Step Up your leadership abilities, call Laura Watson at: 877-669-8684 for a free coaching consult. You can also email her: Laura@VentureCoaching.ca

Laura Watson, ACC, MSW is President of Venture Coaching Inc., and was a finalist for the 2010 Canadian Coach of the Year Award. Venture Coaching provides Business Coaching , and Life and Leadership coaching programs to entrepreneurs so they create success without sacrifice! Venture Coaching provides the tools, process and support to accelerate your business and personal growth.

communication in business